Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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