FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just found a bag of teeth...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
