i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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