Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
