I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
