do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
