I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
