So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
