omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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