dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
