I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
