Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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