I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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