Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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