I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
