last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i barfeds in our rink
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
