party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
