I think I won the penis lottery.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
