a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am one with the molecules
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
