So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
