I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
