do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
