im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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