i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
