Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
