I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
