Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
