census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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