any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
