3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
