it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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