There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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