Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
