So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
