dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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