Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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