we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
