You just made me feel so damn special
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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