Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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