Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
