phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
