just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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