Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The uberlube is also flammable
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
