She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
