I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
