My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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