I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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