What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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