Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
