I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
