Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
